[23 Aug 2006|05:43am] I smile a lot, but usually I'm just plain uncertain under that smile. And I wonder what the people around me think of me, and maybe if I already met the love of my life, or maybe I'll meet him in the coffeeshop down the street. I used to make a lot of wishes...I kind of stopped once I thought they all came true. It was actually just one wish, and I think it's time to start again. I hope to never stop hoping and being positive about life and stuff.In the grand scheme of things, I hardly doubt this is relevant. "There will be many more...", my mother tells me,smiling, and I can't help but smile too,because the world seems to be so full of love sometimes that losing one person's heart doesn't seem like it matters so much in the grand scheme of things. Yesterday I went to buy cigarettes and vodka,again ,because self-destruction is often the best way to feel better. And I feel better; I feel nice and numb and happy. I think I might just immerse myself in books for a while. But I digress, on my trip to the gas station (which is open at 3 AM and sells cigarettes and vodka to minors), I met a cat. This cat had 4 legs, but 3 paws... And I leaned down to pet it, and it was the most affectionate animal I have ever encountered...It just rolled onto it's back, begging to have it' tummy scratched,rubbed itself on my legs...just cute stuff like that. It made me inexplicably happy, which is exactly why I won't try to find any meaning in it. Sometimes,I love life...Most of the time. I loved life when someone did a grand job of cheering me up over MSN. He told me I was beautiful,and told me about his feelings for me, and suddenly life didn't seem so bad. I told him he was on the wrong team,but he didn't listen. I have a little date with him now. Not a date per-se..Just baking vegan cookies and watching movies and cuddling and exchanging little small platonic kisses. This made me smile,and it made him smile too. If I could choose what job I wanted, I would choose making people smile...all the time. I'm nervous to get home, because home won't be the same now. But I'm happy nonetheless.I'm happy to see all my friends,and happy to make new ones. Happy to grow up. I'm just happy. Not happy right now,but sure happy for what the future has to bring. I am happy for NYC, and bright lights and dates at the Gugenheim, looking at my favorite Renoir paintings. I am looking forward to walking down Broadway hand in hand to whomever it is will love me at that point in my life, and showing them why I am so in love with that city. I want to go down to Soho, so we can feel poor, then up to Brooklyn so we can feel rich again. And then we'll go to Greenwich village,just so we realize how real we are. And it will just be amazing. And I'll finally realize how small I am in the grand scheme of things. Chin up soldier<3 post comment

[23 Aug 2006|02:35pm] Things I refuse to forget: *First kiss *BBABH *Skateboarding *Chicken Nuggets *Cars (toys) *First date *Cars (movie) *Dinner with your family *Banana boats *Your bedroom *My pink bunny *Me being sick *Me being sick again *Misery Signals *My shows *To Have and Have Not *That park near my house *The park beside my house *Walking barefoot *Splashing in the rain (Puddle Splashers) *My head in your lap in Laratt Lea *You always playing with my hair *Sleepovers<3 *Pool party *Your pool *Walks to the park beside your house *Sappy fucking LJ entries *Being with each other every day, all day. *Convenience store near your house *Swing harder lighter *Your bedroom floor *Your Pantera Sweater *My clothes looking better on you than they did on me. *The cologne I was addicted to *The matching perfume you were addicted to *Olivejuice & elephant shoes *FIFA world cup *Septum +conch piercing *Your two-stepping was always kinda cute *Me wearing your hat, watch,carabiner at BBABH *Johnny's that one time we went to play pool and start shit *The day after your party,when we were hungover. *In the basement after everyone left,on said day *That huuuge storm *Playing speed *playing president with my mom during storm *Me cooking vegan for you...pretty much all the time *Vegan cookies for that one show of mine (and labelling them) *Lanterns *Driving with you,listening to glassjaw *Wendy's chicken nuggets...all the time. *Chin picnic *Your grandparents *Yellow Carebear *Getting high *Eating Pizza *Petting Zoo *Go Karting *Packing til 5 am *Crying together. *Saying goodbye. *Reading the plane letter halfway through my flight,and considering hijacking it to turn it around. *Me being a retarded bitch. *You being an asshole. *Us breaking up. The end. 5 comments|post comment

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